How can I improve this introductory paragraph?
I think its too wordy. How is my thesis and plan of deveelopment?
My Mysterious Boss
I once had a boss who didn’t turn out to be the boss I thought she was. There was always something very mysterious about the way she presented herself.
The fact that she’d bring different jewelry to work each day, the display case not matching our book count, or even the way she’d speak continually of her countless debts, yet always with a smile, led me to believe there was something suspicious about her.
The first sentence is wordy. Maybe replace the second "boss" with "woman" so you don't repeat boss so much.
The last sentence is very unclear and not very effective. I don't understand what's suspicious about her bringing different jewelry to work; try explaining more clearly what is mysterious about this. Also, I do not understand what you mean about the display case not matching the book count. Is there books in the display case? Be more clear here. The last part of this sentence is meant to say, I believe, that it is suspicious that she smiles about her debt. But this is unclear. Consider organizing it differently. For example: the way she'd speak with a smile of her countless debts.
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6 CHERRY Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
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6 MAPLE Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
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36 RING GLASS TOP JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE BOX US $20.99
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New 6 Cherry Wood Glass Top Watch Display Case Jewelry Box Collector Mens Gift US $65.95
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20 ZIPPO LIGHTER WOOD JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE US $15.99
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COOKIE LEE CONSULTANT JEWELRY CARRYING CASE TRAYS DISPLAY US $48.00
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Unique Vintage Art Deco Jewelry Ring Display Box Case US $85.00
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Jewelry Box Glass Top Display Case Necklace 6 Slot Blk US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot burg holder US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 8 slot gray holder US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot red US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot blu US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot brg US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 10 sqr red showcase US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 12 slot blk storage US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot blk holder US $25.50
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Jewelry Bracelet Necklace Beads Display Tray Case Box 6x5x1 US $5.82
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JEWELRY Bracelet WATCH DISPLAY Storage Carry CASE US $19.95
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Pink Square Jewelry Showcase Display Storage Case Box 47x47x47 US $10.99
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| Powered by phpBay Pro |
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6 CHERRY Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
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6 MAPLE Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
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6 OAK Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
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36 RING GLASS TOP JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE BOX US $20.99
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New 6 Cherry Wood Glass Top Watch Display Case Jewelry Box Collector Mens Gift US $65.95
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20 ZIPPO LIGHTER WOOD JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE US $15.99
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COOKIE LEE CONSULTANT JEWELRY CARRYING CASE TRAYS DISPLAY US $48.00
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Unique Vintage Art Deco Jewelry Ring Display Box Case US $85.00
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Jewelry Box Glass Top Display Case Necklace 6 Slot Blk US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot burg holder US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 8 slot gray holder US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot red US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot blu US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot brg US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 10 sqr red showcase US $25.50
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|
Jewelry box glass top display case 12 slot blk storage US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot blk holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry Bracelet Necklace Beads Display Tray Case Box 6x5x1 US $5.82
|
|
JEWELRY Bracelet WATCH DISPLAY Storage Carry CASE US $19.95
|
Pink Square Jewelry Showcase Display Storage Case Box 47x47x47 US $10.99
|
| Powered by phpBay Pro |
|
|
6 CHERRY Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
6 MAPLE Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
6 OAK Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
|
36 RING GLASS TOP JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE BOX US $20.99
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New 6 Cherry Wood Glass Top Watch Display Case Jewelry Box Collector Mens Gift US $65.95
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20 ZIPPO LIGHTER WOOD JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE US $15.99
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|
COOKIE LEE CONSULTANT JEWELRY CARRYING CASE TRAYS DISPLAY US $48.00
|
Unique Vintage Art Deco Jewelry Ring Display Box Case US $85.00
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Jewelry Box Glass Top Display Case Necklace 6 Slot Blk US $25.50
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|
Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot burg holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 8 slot gray holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot red US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot blu US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot brg US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 10 sqr red showcase US $25.50
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|
Jewelry box glass top display case 12 slot blk storage US $25.50
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Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot blk holder US $25.50
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Jewelry Bracelet Necklace Beads Display Tray Case Box 6x5x1 US $5.82
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JEWELRY Bracelet WATCH DISPLAY Storage Carry CASE US $19.95
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Pink Square Jewelry Showcase Display Storage Case Box 47x47x47 US $10.99
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| Powered by phpBay Pro |
|
|
6 CHERRY Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
6 MAPLE Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
6 OAK Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
|
36 RING GLASS TOP JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE BOX US $20.99
|
New 6 Cherry Wood Glass Top Watch Display Case Jewelry Box Collector Mens Gift US $65.95
|
20 ZIPPO LIGHTER WOOD JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE US $15.99
|
|
COOKIE LEE CONSULTANT JEWELRY CARRYING CASE TRAYS DISPLAY US $48.00
|
Unique Vintage Art Deco Jewelry Ring Display Box Case US $85.00
|
Jewelry Box Glass Top Display Case Necklace 6 Slot Blk US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot burg holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 8 slot gray holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot red US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot blu US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot brg US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 10 sqr red showcase US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 12 slot blk storage US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot blk holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry Bracelet Necklace Beads Display Tray Case Box 6x5x1 US $5.82
|
|
JEWELRY Bracelet WATCH DISPLAY Storage Carry CASE US $19.95
|
Pink Square Jewelry Showcase Display Storage Case Box 47x47x47 US $10.99
|
| Powered by phpBay Pro |
|
|
6 CHERRY Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
6 MAPLE Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
6 OAK Display Cases Knife Jewelry w foam felt US $120.00
|
|
36 RING GLASS TOP JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE BOX US $20.99
|
New 6 Cherry Wood Glass Top Watch Display Case Jewelry Box Collector Mens Gift US $65.95
|
20 ZIPPO LIGHTER WOOD JEWELRY DISPLAY CASE US $15.99
|
|
COOKIE LEE CONSULTANT JEWELRY CARRYING CASE TRAYS DISPLAY US $48.00
|
Unique Vintage Art Deco Jewelry Ring Display Box Case US $85.00
|
Jewelry Box Glass Top Display Case Necklace 6 Slot Blk US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot burg holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 8 slot gray holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot red US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot blu US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case bracelet 10 slot brg US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 10 sqr red showcase US $25.50
|
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 12 slot blk storage US $25.50
|
Jewelry box glass top display case 18 slot blk holder US $25.50
|
Jewelry Bracelet Necklace Beads Display Tray Case Box 6x5x1 US $5.82
|
|
JEWELRY Bracelet WATCH DISPLAY Storage Carry CASE US $19.95
|
Pink Square Jewelry Showcase Display Storage Case Box 47x47x47 US $10.99
|
| Powered by phpBay Pro |